You wish to
buy a second hand car for a few thousand euros. What do you buy?
a)
Something reliable with good fuel consumption,
in decent condition that Which? don’t slate and that hasn’t been savaged by
Jeremy Clarkson.
b)
A 1991 VW Golf MK2.
It’s time
for a fun night out! What are you wearing?
a)
Girls: jeans and a sparkly top. Guys: jeans and
a shirt, possibly ironed.
b)
Girls: crazily short miniskirt, heels that would
make Jimmy Stewart come over all dizzy, half an inch of slap and a wonderbra.
Men: a tracksuit.
You have had
a great night out but you can barely stand up you’ve drunk so much rakija. How are you getting home?
a)
Bus, taxi or beer scooter.
b)
Your 1991 VW Golf MK2.
You are in
the supermarket and are looking for peanut butter. Where might this be?
a)
With the jam and honey?
b)
In the fridge with all the cheese.
You are at
the supermarket check-out having bought a cucumber, three tomatoes, some canned
tuna, milk, some Staklo Arf glass cleaner and some cevapcici. How many plastic
bags will you require?
a)
None, thanks – I brought my re-usable recyclable hessian
bag.
b)
Six.
How many
mobile phones do you possess?
a)
Er…one?
b)
Three – one for friends who have Telenor, one
for those who have T-Mobile and one for those who have M-Tel so we can all talk
to each other for less!
It’s
breakfast time! What are you having?
a)
Cereal, toast with homemade marmelade, nice cup
of tea. And then another cup of tea.
b)
Rakija,
Turkish coffee, cigarette. In that order.
You have
just finished the first fix stage on your new house. What do you do next?
a)
First of all, get the roof on. Buy a kitchen and
bathroom installations, a few lights, doors and windows, then maybe some
furniture once the plastering, painting and tiling has been done. Then clean it
up, sort out the garden, maybe do some landscaping.
b)
Move in.
You are in a
café and notice that there is a no-smoking sign on the door. What do you do?
a)
Order a coffee.
b)
Immediately light up, especially if you are near
babies or anyone else you suspect might be a non-smoker.
You have an
important meeting with someone at 10am on Tuesday. When do you show up for the
meeting?
a)
10am Tuesday.
b)
When you have time. If you can’t make Tuesday
they can wait until Wednesday. Or Thursday. Or next week.
Whilst on
your way driving to Kolasin you get stuck behind a truck hauling stone up the
tight mountain road. You’re going to be late. What now?
a)
You just end up being a little late. If you’re
on your way to meet a local it’s not like they’re going to be on time.
b)
Wait until a blind hairpin bend, and then
overtake with a flash of your headlights, a beep of your horn and your
indicators off.
Congratulations!
You’ve just got married. How do you see the husband/wife duties panning out
during your time together?
a)
No idea, but we’ll figure it out. We’re
flexible.
b)
She will cook, clean and have babies. I will
drink beer.
Your journey
home usually takes 10 minutes, but this time it takes twice as long. Why?
a)
Ten minutes?? My commute is over an hour, where
the hell did you get enough money to live in zone 1?
b)
Well, first I saw Ivica in his car so I had to beep,
stop and say hi and ask after his mother, his wife, his children, his kum and his dog. Then I saw Tomislav’s
car, so I had to beep, stop and say hi to him to and then ask after his wife,
his children and his kum and then I
saw Janko and had to beep, stop and ask after his wife and his children and
argue with him about the presidential election. Then I saw Vesko…
What do you
regard as proof of a foreigner’s identity?
a)
A passport or an identity card?
b)
An officially stamped, signed and translated
copy of your original birth certificate, even if it says NOT PROOF OF IDENTITY
at the bottom in capital letters.
You have a
garden of mature fruit trees. What do you do with your harvest?
a)
Eat it.
b)
Distill a bewildering assortment of rustic
brandies.
It’s time to
put out the rubbish – what do you do with your household waste?
a)
We have a compost heap and recycle old carrot shavings
into shoes for African children.
b)
We throw it into a bush/forest/river/laybye
(delete as appropriate).
Congratulations
guys, your partner has just given birth! How will you choose to celebrate the
arrival of your new child?
a)
I’ll buy the wife/girlfriend something nice,
have a few drinks and then spend time with our new family member.
b)
If it’s a boy, you’ll fire all your automatic
weapons into the air and then get drunk. If it’s a girl, you’ll proceed
directly to getting drunk and hoping you get a boy next time.
You see a
new road sign on the side of the road. What is the most appropriate action to take?
a)
Nod appreciatively that the local government at
least had the money to replace the old one, which was full of bullet holes.
b)
Get out your rifle and plug it one. If you hurry
you may even get to be first!
You’ve got a
new car that isn’t a VW Golf MK2,
and it has an annoying bong that goes off every time you pull away. How do you
make this stop?
a)
Try and diagnose the fault yourself, it’s
probably because the handbrake is on or something. If you can’t find the
problem, take it a dealer so they can investigate.
b)
It’s the seatbelt reminder. To avoid this
irritation, hook your seatbelt around the back of the seat and plug it in so
you don’t have to wear it. Problem solved!
Your friends
are coming over and they have a small toddler. What should you offer the
little’un to eat?
a)
Fruit or veg - but best to ask the parents in
advance, just in case.
b)
Chocolate. Smokis. And Coca-Cola.
You are 30.
How many teeth do you have?
a)
All of them – I think.
b)
If I’ve got my falsies in, all of them. If I
haven’t, seven. Can I have another piece of chocolate cake?
You need to
buy a first aid kit. Where can you buy one?
a)
A chemist?
b)
A car parts shop.
How did you do?
If you
scored mostly As, you are probably British, possibly American, Australian or
Western European.
If you
answered mostly Bs, you are Montenegrin or have gone native. Cestitamo!
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1 comment:
I am about half and half :-)
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