Reverse Gear

Recent traumas notwithstanding, believe it or not we have had some real progress on the house this last week. Renovating Villa Zabes has been a little like Norwich City Football Club’s current plight; we’re showing signs of recovery and promise late in the day, but it’s unlikely to be enough to rescue our season. Replacement balconies have been installed, floors begun, electric wires hang all over the place and we even had the minor miracle of an accidentally extended weekend away where nothing disastrous or idiotic happened in our absence (well, apart from a crucial support beam that is not itself…erm…supported…). Having had a minor automotive mis-hap on our way to a party in Kotor, we returned a day late to find Tuzi the cat still alive and showing welcome scavenging skills and best of all, builders on site. Given our build history, every day we’re away from Virpazar we fear the worst, so it was actually with some relief (not to mention surprise) that on our return we didn’t have anything to scream at Bolimir about. Given my car history, it was actually with some relief (not to mention surprise) that the consequences of this breakdown weren’t worse.

“What am I going to complain about if there’s nothing to complain about?”

We’d been kept in Kotor a little longer than we’d planned thanks to a snapped throttle cable on Saturday night. This incident pained me for more than the obvious reasons, for I am – or at least back in the UK was – a frustrated car nut, and like the frustrated cricket fanatic who’s forever embarrassed by his ineptitude at the crease (yep, me again), there is little sadder than a car nut who doesn’t really know anything about cars.

A COMPLETE HISTORY OF MY AUTOMOTIVE FAILURES

1991
Renault 5

Bought for: £250
Sold for: scrap
Notable features: A 750cc engine that couldn’t accelerate up-hill and two holes in the floor for the “Barney Rubble” braking technique.
Any good? The throttle jammed open on my way to University, the tailgate blew off on the A47, one door rusted so badly opening it broke the hinges and after one year of ownership the steering rack had slipped and the brakes had ceased to work.

1995
Austin Metro

Bought for: no sensible reason I can fathom
Sold for: £300 initially, subsequently refunded
Notable features: Quadruple spotlights up front, leather steering wheel, “classic” vinyl roof.
Any good? The clutch burned out in a multi-storey carpark, the coil went pop on the A47 (again), the quadruple spotlights never worked and the sub-frame was so badly rusted it disintegrated entirely – at 50mph - on the (you guessed it) A47 one week after I sold it to my brother. Hence the refund.

1999
’67 MGB GT

Bought for: £3,800
Sold for: £2,500
Notable features: Floor-mounted high beam switch, red leather seats, hand-pumped wash/wipe, wire wheels that were a b****d to clean and twin 6-volt batteries in such an inaccessible position under the rear ”seat” that changing them was a two hour job.
Any good? To look at, yes. To drive? Sort of. To own? I spent £5000 over 5 years keeping this heap on the road, and every month something new went wrong. The true low point was when a “new” dynamo broke and I got stranded in a town called Baldrick. Or when the steering wheel broke my nose.

2004
Peugeot 205 1.8 GTDT

Bought for: the petrol in its tank
Sold for: the petrol in its tank (yes, I actually broke even)
Notable features: A car so uncool I could leave it in SE24 unlocked without worrying about theft, it sounded like a tractor when it was stationary and clonked over every bump when it was moving (this turned out to be because the drivetrain was on its way out, a nugget that only came to light once I had punted it on to my Dad…). Faster than it looked, mind.
Any good? It was a free car. What do you think?

2006
Ford Puma 1.7

Bought for: £1,700
Sold for: £1,350
Notable features: A boot-lid that dumped water into the boot every time it rained, headlights so weak we never drove it in the dark and a ride so hard I swear I could have driven over a 10p piece and told you if it was heads or tails. And everyone thought I was a hairdresser.
Any good? Actually, yes, it was a cracking drive. It never broke down, and only let me down once on (you guessed it) the A47 – a road I should probably avoid for the rest of my life - when the lack of a spare tyre one Xmas Eve proved embarrassing.

2008
Honda CR-V

Bought for: £1,500
Sold for: open to offers
Notable features: Unique 2WD system - the rear differential dropped off at the top of Mount Lovćen after an unfortunate rock incident in Rumania, permanently disabling any 4WD capabilities – and over 140,000 miles on the clock.
Any good? It groans, it moans, it squeaks and it’s not too clever on steep hills now that the system that transfers power to the rear wheels when the front wheels slip is no longer connected to the rear wheels. But it’s been driven for 9 months in Montenegro and is still going. Just.

2009
Renault Espace

Bought for: £1,300
Sold for: still got it
Notable features: Free-spirited automatic transmission, a bootlid that won’t open and handling like a barge. Corking stereo, and alpine air-con, though.
Any good? Days after we bought it it cost us 500 quid in repairs. The jury’s still out.

To this miserable roll of honour I must additionally fess up to two motorcycles (both crap) and no fewer than five Italian scooters, the fates of which I can reel off a bit like the details of Henry VIII’s wives (nicked, crashed then nicked, nicked, hit by double-decker bus, left gathering dust in a garage).

The only thing about Blighty that I miss

When it comes to motors, I either buy pups, or raise them - which was why I was so relieved that Tony’s mate Nenad the Mechanic fixed that throttle cable for a mere €50, including picking the car off the side of the road on a Sunday. You try getting that sort of service from a UK garage (Old joke - what's the law of mechanics? "Nah, mate, not till next Tuesday"). Given that the Honda also had its rear diff whipped off in an hour and a half for just €40 back in November, I think I can say - unequivocally - that Monte mechanics are ace. And with my automotive judgement, it's just as well.

Incidentally, Tony, Laura, Katie and Tim, this is a) why it’s a bad idea for me to get into sailing and b) why I should never buy a boat…